A heritage language is a language that you would have learned as a child, but is very difficult to fully develop because it is not the dominate language in the society which you live. There may be few or no learning resources available and few or no opportunities for exposure to the language outside of the home. The language often remains "undeveloped" if you're only speaking within your home, as you're more likely to only speak of the same basic topics each day. And even though you may not have used the language for many, many years, it is not totally foreign to you; deep down, your brain has stored some memory of the way this language works and you may feel a cultural affinity to it.
My heritage language is Cantonese. My parents spoke it to me my whole life (and still do now) but for as long as I can remember, I would respond to them in English or very basic Cantonese even though my father's grasp of English is very basic. My mother's English is stronger but still limited to basic routine topics, so there was definitely a language barrier between me and my parents. Often we would give up on more complex conversations because we weren't able to convey our message fully and accurately to one another. My parents did not push me Cantonese though, as they felt it was just more practical for me to operate in English, and it was even harder for me to convey myself in Cantonese so I'd often hear, "just say it in English!"
On top of that, I felt a lot of shame around speaking Cantonese when I was growing up. I felt a desperate need to fit in with my white peers who largely only spoke English. For far, far too long (I'm talking 20+ years), I tried hard to stamp out any notion that I was different than my peers. Sadly, this meant shutting down and disengaging with a large part of my identity and heritage. This is all too common a story for first-generation kids (children of immigrants).
Though my focus began as learning to read in Chinese, in 2021 I felt the pull to speak Cantonese as well. What was the point of gaining all this vocab through reading, if I wasn't going to use it? I also felt speaking would help solidify vocab I was learning from reading. However, the very idea of speaking Cantonese made me incredibly nervous and uncomfortable. I had spent a lifetime pushing myself away from this language - this marker that I'm foreign, different, undesirable - and now I wanted to engage with it?! But I couldn't deny that I really wanted to hear my native tongue again. At first I tried to seek out somebody in Whitehorse, to no avail. I tried out some language exchange apps, but it felt awkward and clumsy. Finally I found a group on the Meetup app that was based in Los Angeles but were meeting online. I was incredibly nervous to attend but I did, and honestly it sort of changed my life. I met other Cantonese heritage learners that completely understood my struggles with identity, language, racism and all that comes with being first-generation Chinese-North Americans in a white world. I didn't know how alone I felt until I didn't feel so alone anymore.
Since attending that first meetup in only 6 months ago, my speaking skills and confidence in speaking Cantonese have made huge leaps. Speaking and hearing Cantonese has felt so much like a homecoming; so many words, phrases, topics, concepts that we talk about in the group feel like fuzzy memories that I'm dusting off from an earlier life.
I never expected my goal to become literate would have led me to where I am now. I've made friends with whom I primarily speak Cantonese and text in Chinese! I have a deeper connection with my parents now that we can communicate in their native tongue more fluidly on a wider range of topics. My sense of identity has shifted as I've allowed this dormant part of me to re-awaken and continue developing. I'm still working through some shame and fear around speaking my language in certain situations, but it's certainly a strong start in a positive direction.
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